1. |
I'm Not Real
03:34
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If you can’t tell, I’m a little scared
I’ve only known 16 people and none of them are here
This newfound joy and excitement turned into fear
And fear’s its strongest when no one can hear
I built you up to mask my tears
But fear gets worse when I’m not real
I really thought having friends would help
But they don’t know me they know my shell
My misconstrued fragments of self
Even those who knew me can’t tell
A simple planned getaway
Became a prolonged prison stay
Caged by habits that would not go away
And implanted into my brain
And now I’m not real
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2. |
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I don’t really remember who I am
I’m just pretty sure I’m not who I’m supposed to be
I have this little group of somewhat fans
That I alienate with each new release
Just like the friends I’ve had since second grade
Degraded as my vanity and pain choked me
I feel like I died in third grade and I’m just haunting the people I know
I don’t fit in anywhere but people think I do
It’s harder now to compensate with a humour that’s untrue
I don’t fit in anywhere so please don’t think I do
‘Cause it’s harder to be true than to just be you
I’ve gotten lost before I’ve even begun
Sifting through sonic ideas for the one
That feels new, inventive and fun
But still sounds like something that I would’ve done
Like I like alliteration ‘cause it’s fun
But I can’t seem to make it sound any less dumb
I’ve run out of lyrics to write
And I’m losing more traction with each shallow line
My quips are quickly creating qualms in my quixotic life
Minor keys haunt me in my sleep but sometimes
The best feelings scare me
Minor keys haunt me in my sleep but sometimes
To keep your time you’ve gotta be scared awake
Minor keys haunt me in my sleep but sometimes
The best feelings scare me
Minor keys haunt me in my sleep but sometimes
To keep your time you’ve gotta be scared awake
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3. |
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I made a vow at the very start
Of this thing I call art
That I would never
Give into my heart
I would never fucking write a love song
And you can’t take that away
I may love you but my morals remain
You’re pretty great and I’d love to say
“I love you” on a stage
But that won’t change my brain
Broken vows
And overplayed nice sounds
That can’t express my thoughts
I’m drowning in my shallow heart
I broke a vow at the very start
Of this song
That I would never ever write one fucking love song
For you it doesn’t feel all that wrong
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4. |
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Compose my numbness in A mixolydian
Just so I think I can
Feel again
Sedated by a youth of which I cannot rid
The feeling I wasn’t
A part of it
It was somewhat fun
But it left some problems
‘Cause friends are just emotional drugs
I’m holding onto hope that maybe sometime I
Could have some friends I like
And sever ties
From those who broke me, beat me up, and made me fight
Because they thought that I
Was funny when unkind
We may have fun
But you’ll hurt me long run
‘Cause friends are just emotional drugs
Modulate my numbness to G mixolydian
Just so I feel I have
Motion
In my
Stagnant
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5. |
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Life
Lost in the dark writing songs for people
Who won’t end up hearing them
And they all fucking suck so I’ll throw them away
This album’s just one big dead end
Well hold onto this October
Like it just might be the last
That you see our world full of horrors
Comfortably behind safety glass
And I’m helplessly afraid
And a little bit in love
But I don’t know who to ask for help
‘Cause all my friends fucking suck
And I know that I don’t mean that much to you
But I’ve spent seven years searching for truth
Someone like me who could help me through my pains
And I’ve lost it too soon
If I could rewrite the past I would
Do things how I think that I should
I’d live through my hell just to be with you
If only I knew
If only I knew
If only I knew what to do
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6. |
After All These Years
06:05
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Today might be the last time that I see your smile
It’s hard to believe I’ve known you for such a damn long while
But it’d be better if you cared
It’d be better if you tried
To seem less disingenuous when tears fall from my eyes
‘Cause I’m feeling now this was untrue
Like I was the one who cared about you
To sum it up with something new
After all these years,
Fuck you
I’ll probably forget you in the first week of school
And go make friends who really think I’m cool
And I won’t have to falsify my past to make them laugh
And I won’t have to act
We’ll all wear baggy shirts and go get lost in a new place
Till somebody yells
“Go the fuck away!”
But it won’t matter ‘cause I’m away
From those who made me say
The same
I’m feeling now this was untrue
Like I was the one who cared about you
To sum it up with something new
After all these years,
Fuck you
I thought there was no one that I despised
But pastelish colors clouded my mind
I know that word’s a little strong
But, you see, for you it doesn’t feel all that wrong
(Alright fuck it, let’s bring some more shit in)
(Now some rhythmic modulation)
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7. |
7
04:19
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I’m not sure
What all of this has been for
‘Cause as I leave
Their shadows melt behind me
Without a sound
I’m gone
And they’ll never know
As my aching bones recite the notes
To inside jokes
That they’ve lost
Is it me that they all forgot?
I had hope
They’d be unattached before the last
Going home
And that hope was matched but maybe that
Was fear
All along
It’s all so new and I fear that I cared for you
Every truth
Was a lie
And you never cared
I’m just a dopamine high that you couldn’t get out of your hair
Tell me why
I swore I was faking but leaving you made me cry
And you’ll never know
As my aching bones recite the notes
To inside jokes
That you’ve lost
Is it me that you all forgot?
Is it me that you all
And you never cared (And you'll never know)
I'm just a dopamine high that you couldn't get out of your hair
(As my aching bones recite the notes to inside jokes)
Tell me why (That you've lost)
I swore I was faking but leaving you made me cry (Is it me that you all forgot)
Is it me that you all forgot
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8. |
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You look pretty decent
And keep up with trends
And never get seen without popular kids
And have all these people you think are your friends but they’re not
You thought you knew your role
But then the play was rewrote
And now you don’t know what to do
And I don’t think you’re very cool
I know I’m not the most credible source
‘Cause all my favorite bands are from 2004
And I don’t know what it means to be sure
‘Cause my self confidence lacks the whole confidence part
You thought you knew your role
But then the play was rewrote
And now you don’t know what to do
And I don’t think you’re very cool
And I know I’m kind of a dork
I’m in Geometry by choice
But I’ve got plenty of friends who
Don’t really think you’re very cool
It don’t take no insight to see what you lack
Like understanding of the double negatives you use in class
Some popularity comes from having an act
So make yours Sara-with-no-h and get smacked
[You thought you knew your role
But then the play was rewrote
And now you don’t know what to do
And I don’t think you’re very cool
And I know I’m kind of a dork
I’m in Geometry by choice
But I’ve got plenty of friends who
Don’t really think you’re very cool]x2
I thought I knew my role
But my whole life just got rewrote
And now I don’t know what to do
But it’s still fun to fuck with you
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9. |
The Long Halloween
04:55
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A boy lies awake on his bed in the dark
Surrounded by garbage polluting his thoughts and he says
I'll sleep when I'm dead
He never sleeps anymore 'cause he thinks that
He's not worth all of the effort it takes him to rest
His weary head
The days don't end
As long as he pretends
A girl lies awake counting minutes till dark
Surrounded by friends who all tell her she's not alone
But none of them know
That all the time that she spends alone sleeping
Goes toward avoiding her friends and she thinks that she'll get
Enough sleep when she's dead
Her nights can't last
His days can't pass
The year's one long Halloween
Ten twenty-nine on the day that it started
The boy turns his lights out and picks up his garbage and says
"Tonight marks the end."
A girl lies awake on her bed in the dark
Putting off the sleep she so desperately wanted, instead
She speaks with her friends
I'm just not
What you'd want
From a friend
But please pretend
That I am
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10. |
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Can’t you see
I’m falling apart
And hoping that you’ll try
To help me
Holding back warm tears
In Winter’s coldest years
How I longed to feel
But you made me fear
Myself
Seven years
I’ve waited here for you to
Care enough to care
About me
Now I don’t know
Where you are
But I’ve been lost
Before
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11. |
It's Not A Phase, Mom
04:18
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Came out to grandma this weekend
She told me “son keep your mind open,
‘Cause next thing you know you just might change.
These things are often just a phase.”
Sixth grader white boy thinks he’s straight
But new emotions make him reevaluate
I don’t know what more I can say
But sixth grader white boy wasn’t straight
I’m in ninth grade and all I know is change
Nothing ever stays the same
But one thing is sure to remain
That love is not a phase
An innocent display of hate
Each time you look at me and say
I have to choose a certain way
And who I am is just a phase
I’m a clean shaven bisexual mess
Who’s not sure who he is yet
But one thing’s for sure and it’s that
Love is not a phase
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12. |
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I don’t care enough to care
So shit’s just crashing everywhere
And I’ve just been made aware
So quite frankly, I’m just scared
It's hard to coincide with existential drama
That I can't get out of my head 'cause not thinking makes it stronger
And I can't see past my eyelids 'cause the world outside is darker
And I can't feel anything so why the fuck do I have problems
I'm not asking for your pity for the issues I possess
I just can't think anymore and I can't get out of bed
So please don't ask me how I'm feeling 'cause I might as well be dead
I'm not fucking lazy I just need a break from my own head
I am suffocating in past thoughts
Bound by the feelings I have lost
I’m not sure what was spared
So please give me a shot
‘Cause quite frankly I’m just scared
I’ve lost my thoughts
I’m falling apart
Before the start
And I don’t know where you are
I’ve run so long
But now I’m alone drifting through the dark
Don’t build me up
To mask your tears
‘Cause fear gets stronger when no one can hear
Don’t build me up
I’ll take your place
And when you’re not real, nothing feels the same
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13. |
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I'm a little fucked up and I'm too self conscious
About growing up
You're teens having fun and I'm the one who warned you
It's not safe to do drugs
I know that you know that I know I'm not that cool
I just wish I was someone who didn't have to
Have friends to make it through middle school
'Cause truth be told I don't want to know you
I'm an arrogant piece of shit who left his confidence
Somewhere in a cab in a Canadian province
I take shit too far 'cause my friends couldn't care less
Till someone gets hurt
I know I'm an asshole, I just wish you didn't
'Cause I've gambled a lot on you thinking that I'm not
An asshole, but now that you've seen it, I can't be dorky and happy for you
I know I'm an ass hole, I just wish you didn't
'Cause I've gambled a lot on you thinking that I'm not
An asshole, but now that you've seen it, I can't be
Dorky and happy
I know I'm an asshole, I just wish you didn't
'Cause I've gambled a lot on you thinking that I'm not
An asshole, but now that you've seen it
I can't be dorky and happy
I can't be dorky and happy
I can't be dorky and happy for you
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14. |
Song For Simon
05:20
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Is the world too goofy or are you not goofy enough?
Has the theatre kid got no theatric in him?
Has the theatre kid got no theatric in him?
You're surrounded by straight white ignorance and girls who all think you're their "gay best friend"
I don't know if you know them but they all think they know Simon
Has the theatre kid got no theatric in him?
Has the theatre kid got no theatric in him?
Subconscious homophobia
Makes your straight white friends think they're
Doing their part
Just because they think they know who you are, but that's not who you are
You've learned to act the part.
Has the theatre kid got no theatric in him?
Has the theatre kid got no theatric in him?
I'm content with where I am
I just wish that where I am
Was where you are
'Cause you never talk to the one guy who likes you and the one who likes him
Bitterly sings for you, Simon
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15. |
Jam For Juliet
04:32
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I walk through these doors and I'm already wary
Because everyone I've seen thus far is really scary
I've got no control, yeah my anxiety wears me and
Throws me on the ground
So I've
Got these friends that I wanna give black eyes
Tell them "Fuck off, make friends with your own kind"
I want new friends I won't regret
I want to talk to Juliet
My friends have just about everything I lack
Like a masculine demeanor and a normal laugh
I want to have some friends without having to act
But no one else cares for the Over The Hedge soundtrack
So I've
Got these friends that I wanna give black eyes
Tell them "fuck off, make friends with your own kind"
I want new friends I won't regret
I want to talk to Juliet
I know I'm an asshole but you don't yet
I want new friends I won't regret
I know I'm an asshole but you don't yet
I want new friends I won't regret
I know I'm an asshole but you don't yet
I want new friends I won't regret
I've got these friends that I wanna give black eyes
Tell them "fuck off, make friends with your own kind"
I want new friends I won't regret
I want to talk to
I want to talk to you
I want to talk to Juliet
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16. |
Closure
03:33
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Winter's coming early this year
Just a cold front stripped of holiday cheer
And I know sometimes these things are hard to hear
But I don't want you here
Each time you come back, it feels more inopportune
And the symphony in my head plays slightly off tune
I thought I wanted closure, but now that's gone
'Cause closure is just one big want
So what if closure isn't real
A brainwash dopamine scheme to make us feel
I wanted closure now you're here
And now there is no closure to feel
So what if closure isn't real
A brainwash dopamine scheme to make us feel
I wanted closure now you're here
And now there is no closure to feel
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17. |
Epilogue
02:40
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How great this is
To be done with all I am
Now I can shout these songs from anywhere I can
But what comes next
I’ve got no plan
Of what comes next
Can I just stand?
I know I’ve reused this same song three times
But I can’t let go
‘Cause what will I do next?
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18. |
Let It Rest
04:42
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I was sittin' this mornin' thinkin' 'bout my past
All the stupid shit I thought would last
Now all I want is to go back
But my mind never left in the first place
So how 'bout that
I'm not ready to grow past
What's already past
Thinkin' I might pull out my old car
And meet some old friends at the mall
I haven't driven in years but it's not that far
Had a hit and run in the parking lot
(I'm sorry)
I'm not ready to grow past
What's already past
I'm not ready to grow past
What's already past
I was sittin' this morning dreading all that's left
By noon I was 20,000 dollars in debt
I know where I am is not the best
But I just gotta let it go and
Let it rest
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19. |
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Winter’s coming early this year
People freezing off their ears
And though the cold freezes my tears
It can’t eradicate my fears
And I know it’s hard to see through 7 feet of snow
Just don’t try to warm me
‘Cause I’m really not that cold
And I don’t look good in hoods
Winter’s coming early this year
You can’t really hear
Screaming “help!” with snow up to my ears
But you won’t ever interfere
I know it’s hard to see through seven feet of snow
But you never tried to warm me
So I’ve grown to like the cold
Someone please warm me up
‘Cause there’s too much fucking snow
But I’ve blocked out all I know
‘Cause I thought I’d brave the snow
But I don’t look good in hoods
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20. |
Hairless Spicy Milk
00:23
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Diverse flavor in every sip
And texture that you can't believe hair wasn't in
Hairless spicy milk
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Skreaming Skeletons Little Rock, Arkansas
I'm 17 and like 68% sure I used to make music or something
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